Graduation!!!!

So this is it. This is what the past twelve years of my life have been preparing me for. And what do I have to say for myself? Heck- Freakin-YEAH!!! There will be no more stupid high school drama or anymore stupid high school daily announcements. But on a more somber side, there will be no more high school dances or fun spirited football, basketball or soccer games!!! This is such a bittersweet experience I don't even know what to do about it! I mean what will I do for the rest of my life?! Will I accomplish all the things I've hoped for or will I just be a bum for the rest of my life? Will I change the world like I have dreamed of or will I somehow cause its downfall!? There are so many possibilities and so many paths and choices that I have to make. I want to just be able to make the right ones and never have to second guess myself but that's not what life is all about. I must go through blindly in a way, not knowing what to expect and not knowing what will come. But I will go forward with a great attitude and outlook on it all because I mean how bad can it possibly get? With my luck it won't be too bad. I hope to have some fun times along the way and to accomplish all that I want to! I have some amazing friends to help me and push me along. They'll be right by me to comfort me, to knock some sense into me, and to love me always. I have no worries that they are willing to do whatever it is to assist me in my life's pursuits. I love them for it and would do the same. Thanks all of you. You know who you are. And thank you to all of those who have helped me along the way no matter how small of a thing you think you did. It's got me this far so it must've been pretty big at least to me. I love you all.

They might not need me but they might.
I'll let my head be just in sight,
For a smile as small as mine
Might be precisely their necessity.
~Emily Dickinson





This poem I must say is one of my life's mottos. I live to make other's happy. If there's anything I can do, I will. Even if it is just a simple smile or just simply being happy; it affects people's attitude. Whether this poem means to say that your small little smile can change someone's day or not, I do believe that it can. I know it has for me. I love this poem because it has brightened my day and I am so appreciative that someone would write something so beautiful for the benefit of us who live a hundred years later. Sometimes I wish I could write things so beautiful,but Iguess I'm only meant to act upon the things that are written...

You know One thing I don't understand is why boys just can't be up front about how they feel and about what they really want. Why can't they just say a simple I don't like you and I really just need to be friends? I mean do they really need to go tell one of your friends and find out that why and make it that much more complicated? I just don't understand what could possibly bring them to that. I'm the type of person who needs straight up answers; no side-stepping with me! Uh uh! no way. I just need to be told stuff and I can deal with it. It's no biggie for me to be able to suck it up and take it in and be ok with it. I just want to be told things so I'm not left in the mist thinking that I'm going the right way when everyone else knows I'm not. I mean its not fair to me when people do that. Especially people you are close to or have had some sort of relationship with. I believe that to truly be happy you must also know how the people around you feel and you must try to make them happy as well but to not put them before yourself. i guess right now I just need to worry about number one and just chill and be able to not freak out at every little thing.

My Sisters



My sisters are my best friends. My oldest one, Carrilyne, was always the one to take care of me when I was very little. She always just let me tag along with her because I was so attached to her. We are almost ten years apart so when she got older she started hanging out with her friends more and dating and I hardly ever saw her. But I still remained attached and she was always my role model. I would always tell people that my oldest sister was the coolest person ever and I was going to just like her. She has always been everyone's favorite sibling. And while I may look a lot like her, I wasn't blessed with her amazing personality. I was ''blessed'' with my sister Chelsea's temperment. I remember being with Chelsea in my later childhood days as she is closer to me in age and for that I picked up on a lot of her characteristics, like not being afriad to tell people that they're wrong, or being a book worm, or being a little smartie-pants in class. We both fought and argued so much but we were still so close. When she got married I was so devestated that she'd be leaving me. I was very happy for her but just couldn't help thinking how she'll never be coming home again. When we moved to Utah things became a little easier as we were closer, but now she has moved again and I can't help but to feel the same kind of loss again. Her husband, Rob, is going into the Border Patrol down in Arizona and so they have moved 13 or so hours away. It will be so long before I will see her, Rob, or Michaela. I have cried way too much over this and I know I should get over it and try to be happy that she can actually get her life started for real, but I can't. It's just way too hard. She definitely was one of hte best friends and now she's not gonna be here for me when I just need someone to talk to. I know I'll have Carrilyne but she has even more kids than chelsea to worry about and she's pregnant again so I don't really want to bug her with stupid stuff she doen't need to worry about.

Green


I always tell people that my favorite color is blue. And while it most definitely is one of my favorites, my favorite favorite one is actually green. There's just something about it that always makes me feel so alive and so happy. You might be thinking that of course she feels that way because green is associated with growth but i think it's something deeper, something that requires a great analyst and since the "Great Analyst" is gone to Boston, I'm out of luck. we'll just leave it at the pure reason that green looks really good on me. Oh, and that it is a very happy beautiful color.

When life gets tough, they say that the tough get going, but what happens when the tough aren't tough enough? This may appear to be a pretty analytical question that could take forever to answer, but I've recently experienced what the tough do. They roll up in a little ball and cry. I've always thought of myself as pretty tough and willing to "step up to the plate"(so to speak) maybe being on the verge of cold and cruel but this past few weeks have really made me think twice about myself. I seem to attract some crazy sort of soap opera drama all the time even though I have a very fervent hate for it, but it seems to love me. Why? I do not know but I do know that I'm not tough enough to have to try and take what I almost had to. If it hadn't been for one amazing person I wouldn't have made it. She stood up to the plate and took it all even though to herself she is not the tough type at all. I would've had to have picked between 2 of my greatest friends and people whom I love. But she bravely was not willing to see that happen and did what she thought was best. Whether or not it actually was the best is yet to be seen but it was amazing. She is a very courageous person for even trying to settle with our issues. I love her more than I can say. And even more than I can write. She will forever be ,in my heart, one of the greatest people who has ever lived. She made a very hard decision and it was for me. She put aside her owns wants to try and make me happier. Not many people have done that and Not many will I'm sure. That is why she is the greatest inspiration to me.

The Greatest of Friends





Well I guess I will write one of these things because I was admonished by a friend for not. And I might as well make the subject of this blog this "admonishing friend" just for the sake of it. And she'll probably be the only one who'll ever read this, SO....... I'm talking to you. And you obviously know who you are. I've just got to say it out loud.... why do you take all this crap from me? I am not a very good friend yet you seem to be able to see that maybe it will all be better or this girl does have some potential for something. You can see things in others that really gives them hope that they can do good things. I really can't see what you might see but you must have some amazing ability to persevere. I've got to say(once again) that you are one amazing friend and you really do make me a better person. I don't know who else who go with me on a date with a guy I am very uninterested in(OK well maybe a person who knows her date is some amazing guy). But you did it for me and I thank you profusely. I don't know if I could've made it through without you. While it was fun and all, I really did need you there to have a good time. I'm really sorry about all the mean little teasings that I said last night, but I just couldn't help it. Please tell me if I ever get too much to handle. I know I need to stop, but I don't know how. Thank you ever so much! I love you.